Well not to talk to much about this cause it might be TMI for the younger readers.

However, remember when Miss Kitty was talking about always useing a condom, well ehhh........yea Amelia is on birth controll now and we got the green light sooo.................*clears throat*

So yea sorry *cough*

but moveing on

So yea, im feeling alittle better today as far as..........well life itself goes.  I am just alittle happier today to be alive than i have been for the last 4 days or so.  I have been very happy in general, my mind feels light and its just been so long since i have really left the weight of the world off my shoulders.....

Prayer does work......

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I think i have come to the realization that for some reson, im just not "happy" to do things...and i think its something that really needs to be fixed and worked on.

I was at bible study yesterday and someone was talking to me about me being a man of god, and becomeing something more so i can better handle myself and relationships.  However i went home that night and really thought about myself.

I just realize that for some reason, i go through the motions, but im not happy doing it.

Now before the non belivers start to chime in, no its not just with religion, its with everything.

im not stupid, and im happy for the blessings that god has givin me, and im well aware of these and thank him for them.  But when it comes to just doing things, i cant seem to do them with a smile, i always do them like its a waist of my time.

Amelia is a great example.  I notice that i do what needs to be done, but do i want to do it....frek no.

I dont want to get up to take her to work, i dont want to cook, i dont want to snuggle when she feels that we should, there are alot of things i just really dont want to do, and when i have to do them i aproach it with a negative attitude.

I know (mostly but not fully) what god expects of me, and i try to do those things, even though no man is perfect, we can still try for it.  however even then i realize that i do it, but im doing it cause i have to, not because im happy to, not because i want to, but just because i have to, and i dont know why.....

I have always seen myself as a slave, a slave to amelia, a slave to god, a slave to the world, however most christians can use their faith to uplift themselves, and most men can use their love for their woman to also uplift themselves, and not to think of it as just "something that needs to be done" but to moreso to think of doing something with love and care because you care for your loved one, and you want to please god and do his word, because gods word and blessings can flow out of you through others, which should make a person happy and beam with light....

However for me........it just seems like work.......and i know i shoudlnt be thinking this way, speically for someoen who is trying to have a wife and kids in teh future.

Hopefully the talk with Revrend P will help me to put some of my thoughts into perspective, then again maby im just depressed as well.  I am going to get my thyroid checked, maby thats the problem also.....

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Well tonight was great.

Freinds came over to the crib, it was nice because we watched a UFC house here at my place since me and my roomate have cable here, so it was nice to see everyone again.

The great thing about my job is that i can be here at home working, and still be able to hang and see freinds as well at times, its cool indeed.

i was happy to just be able to hang around with everyone.

On the flip side, Amelia is sick and not feeling to well.  Thankfully im a great househusband unfortunatly, so im takeing care of her to make sure that she gets what she needs to be healthy.

I love Amelia, but at times it can be alot of work. With her and school, her financial situation, and her not haveing a car it can get pretty insane.  Ill have to help her with school, and bring her places like work and such.  Then her "clumsyness" (which alot of times isnt her fault but sometimes it is).  She always seems to hurt something, i have never heard someone say "ouch" in one day as much as she does. She has shoulder pains from a accedent, hand pains from a bad muscle in her hand, ankle pains from haveing a bad ankle,  then she alot of the time will scratch/hit/bend/scrape/stab/drop ect something that will cause something else to hurt, like a stumped toe or finger or something.......then on top of that she can have a bad temper and get extreamly emotional as well (and no im not talking about on her period) and now she is sick as well..

So alot of the time i can find myself extreamly overwhelmed and overloaded.

I guess thats why at times i really have my doubts about being in a relationship.  I care for Amelia, but at the same time, that seems like the problem......i litteraly care for Amelia...

I sometimes feel that if this is what the future is going to be like, then maby i dont want to do this.  Then again its kinda what i expect the future to be like, so its a double edged sword in my mind.

But when i start to get stressed about it, the reason why i stay with her and love her so much shines through.  She always tells me "i know  you do alot for me, and to be honest with you, i hate it being this way, thats why im working so hard in school because i want to change it, i dont like you haveint to do everything, but thats the way it has to be right now.."

I still have my opinions and feel that in some areas maby there could be more that she could do, and mroe changes, but to be honest with you i dont push stuff as much because i feel she is focused on school and other things at the moment. 

On the other hand, she is telling me that it may be 2 or so years before she gets out of school.....so that is kind of.....its kind of a interesting feeling to say the least.....

Eather way it goes, i feel Amelia will be a great mom, and she is a nice woman, so at least in that aspect i think we are set, which is why i stay with her.

We will be moveing together i belive next year when the lease is up for me and my roomate.  So i guess ill get to see what living with her is like.  it will be about 2 years since we have been dateing, and we feel that is enough time for us to move the relationship forward.

I guess we will see how things go.

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What the frek is going on, maby its like Nero says, some sort of stomach thing going on.

So i ate teh stakes late tuesay, and i felt GREAT, on wedsday, nothing wrong with me at all.

So i wake up today cause i was going to go in for a few hours of work, and all of a suddong i have to take a dump

so i dump right, then i take a shower, get out of the shower, and i dump, then i put on my cloths and go to get my stuff together, and dump, then i go back to get my stuff finished but have to dump again.....

what the heck is going.......................eh.............brb

*dumps*

man this sucks.....i usually have a stomach of iron....thats why i know there is something going on...

*drinks Pepto Bismal*

mm tastse like bad candy

this is lame......

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I think i may get addicted again, man i swear i hate that game so much cause i cant kill anything, but i keep playing it

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Oh speaking of, i gotta look up Gunz 2

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So yea its been a while but alas firegod is still around

So yea i have the runs right now, been crappin a butt load today, and i think that MABY its because of these Steaks that i BBQed......the exact same onces that im ummm.........eating right now......

So i guess i will find out.....

What sucks is that i dont THINK it was the steaks, but it seems like it just may have been.

Its weird because my roomate says that he was haveing stomach troubles before he ate them, then he was burping the steaks, i was haveing a bit of stomach troubles a few days ago, and now i have the runs, and Amelia also had stomach troubles a few days ago, and now she has the runs to......

So was everyone already sick, and the steaks amplified it, or was everyone just already sick to begin with.......i dont know

*burp*

but ill find out i guess........

If i have to go to the hospital and i dont make it, tell my Computer and videogames that i loved them

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Well, its the the super kick butt comp that i was looking to get, but i saved about 350 bucks, and its pretty much the exact same comp that my freind has.

It has 6 gigs of memory (i think expandable to 8) Phenom 64 bit Quad Core 2.20 processor.

Graphics card isnt great but i planned on upgradeing all of that later.

So yea, i finally did it lol.

However im scared im going down the same path as Nero, i have freaking 64 bit vista.................which seems to be makeing this comp slower than i swear it should be, and also im scared i wont be able to run half the games on this OS, but i guess ill find out.

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As a black person, i am happy that obama won the presedent, but at the exact same time, i have my doubts.

Personally i dont belive Mcane or Obama is going to be able to do ALOT of good for the country, but personally i feel Obama is the lesser of the 2 evils

NOT TRYING TO START A DEBATE CAUSE HONESTLY IT DONT MATTER ANYMORE.

However what i am going to say may sound a bit rash, but to be honest with you, i dont want this to turn into 4 years of black history month.

yes i am happy that a black man has done the near impossible, yes im happy for all the things my forfathers did for me, and yes im happy to be black, but beyond that, i feel that Obama has a country to run, and i belive people are sitting there being giddy about him being the first black presedent, but not focusing on what Obama has to do in the future.

Maby im being a bit harsh, beause honestly he only won the election at 11pm central time, but i just dont want this whole thing to go on for 4 years straight...then whats gonna happen is that if he does well people will say "Geez we should have had a black presednt a long time ago" but if he does bad people will say "see this is what we get for thinking outside the box"

As i said, i should probably have more faith in the country, speically since nonoe thought this day would ever come, however i still belive alot of americans out there are going to be narrow minded about it, and as i said before, it doesnt matter who you voted for, what does matter is that whoever is on top does the job they are suppose to do, no matter what race color gender or sexual prefrence......

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I just dont udnerstand sometimes, Amelia will say that she loves me, and say she wants to be the person who i want her to be and say that she wants me to be alittle more dominant and such, however when i make a suggestion or tell her not to do something, she fights back with reasons and exucses why something should or shouldnt happen...........

95% of the time, if she says to do something, i just do it.....there isnt a question or reason to it, its just done....so why isnt it the other way around?

Ahh well, not like it matters, we dont live back in the day of "male dominance" and honestly i dont belive men controlled much to begin with, but especially in relationships women rule, so i guess i should stop complaining and just become a house sla.........i mean husband, shut up and get back in line.

Well thats my rant of uselessness, anyways, yea im here at work, working for daylight saveings time, which is kinda messed up actually.  Cuse right now its 3:11, usually it would be 4:11 and i would only have 4 hours left instead of 5........so i kinda feel jipped, however, i do get a extra hour, so i cant complain to much.....

Well nothing else to talk about, slow night, watching Heros (which i dont like much right now, but its getting better, im on episode 13 and i think its starting to pick up alittle) so ill be doing this and working for the rest of the night....

Peace out.

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